Monkey Business
So, I guess it's time for another post. Hmmmm, what to write about... I don't have any adventures this time, nor do I have any beautiful pictures. For anyone complaining of a let down after Thailand, try flying back to freezing cold Seoul from sunny Bangkok sometime. Life has been good since I came back, but I just haven't done anything particularily noteworthy, nor have I taken any pictures. For the time being, I want to use this forum to get something off my chest. This involves the longest, most overbloated, self-important, and WAY overrated piece of garbage I've ever had the disgust of sitting through. Any guesses? Look at the title of this entry.
If you guessed King Kong, then you are really smart--and handsome (or pretty). I've decided I might be able to pick up readers through blatent flattery, so let me know if it works. If any of you intelligent and sophisticated movie goers have ever sat through King Kong, then your butt is probably as numb as mine. I can't fathom how a studio exec could have watched this monstrosity and not said: "Okay, this is the extended version. Now let's chop 90 minutes off this thing." I've recommended to other people who were curious to see the movie to skip the first hour of the film altogether. Seriously, nothing happens. For some reason, there is a pointless and inane exposition fleshing out one-dimensional characters that we could give a less crap about. By the time the expedition finally reaches Skull Island--an hour into the film--I had forgotten I was watching a movie about a giant monkey. Of course, a movie about a giant monkey should be taken very seriously and every single shot should go on forever just to catch the perfect mood, then it should go on a little longer, and longer still.
The second act is the only semi-interesting part of this movie, and it still goes on way, way too long. There are all kinds of dinosaurs and monsters, which bored the hell out of me. How do you make dinosaurs boring, you ask. I'll tell you how: You take away their weight, so it is really obvious the humans are interacting with a blue screen and not a real animal. There is a stampede scene where dinosaurs are flipping and piling on top of each other and rolling over humans who just run in between them and somehow don't get crushed. Ridiculous. At least this scene was drawn out to fifteen minutes, because it really needed all that time to develop. There is a scene where Kong fights three t-rex's, which had it's cool moments. The problem is this fight drug on far too long (big shock, there). By the end of the fight I was completely disinterested. It was a feeling of looking up from time to time and saying: "Wow, they're still fighting."
Notice I'm complaining about the action sequences dragging on to the point of tedium. There were more action sequences after this that were even less plausible (a kid who had never fired a machine gun shoots giant bugs off of people from point blank range without ever hitting the people) and equally bloated. If the action scenes bored me, then think about the slower moments. This entire movie felt like the last 40 minutes of "Return of the King", where Frodo and Sam gaze wistfully at each other, and then gaze wistfully at each other, and then gaze wistfully at each other some more, and then gaze... you get the point. Throughout King Kong, I was gazing wistfully at my watch. The intimate scenes between Kong and what's her face (the person from the first hour of the film that was supposed to matter) take FOREVER! Hey, P.J., it's a sunset, it's quiet,I GET IT, LET'S MOVE ON. It's as if every single shot is so important that it has to be given enought time to be properly digested. Each scene carries so much resonance, that it must be given its proper attention and careful consideration. Did I mention this movie is about a GIANT MONKEY?!!
I don't know if anyone will agree with me on this rant, and I'm sure the critics don't. Which takes me to the question at hand: How is it that Peter Jackson is above the rules of editing? The rest of the movie making world tries to tell their stories in under two and a half hours,. Sure, there are exceptions and some movies need to be longer (See: The Godfather II), but should a retelling of King Kong be one of them? Somehow, Peter Jackson has hypnotised critics and audiences into thinking his movies are that important. My mission, through this blog, is to wake people from their trances by shaking them and saying: "Wake up!! This is a three hour long movie about a giant gorilla!! This isn't high art, so quit pretending it is!!!" That goes for you, too, Peter "Wistful Gaze" Jackson. Hire an editor, for Pete's sake.
Okay, I feel better now.
If you guessed King Kong, then you are really smart--and handsome (or pretty). I've decided I might be able to pick up readers through blatent flattery, so let me know if it works. If any of you intelligent and sophisticated movie goers have ever sat through King Kong, then your butt is probably as numb as mine. I can't fathom how a studio exec could have watched this monstrosity and not said: "Okay, this is the extended version. Now let's chop 90 minutes off this thing." I've recommended to other people who were curious to see the movie to skip the first hour of the film altogether. Seriously, nothing happens. For some reason, there is a pointless and inane exposition fleshing out one-dimensional characters that we could give a less crap about. By the time the expedition finally reaches Skull Island--an hour into the film--I had forgotten I was watching a movie about a giant monkey. Of course, a movie about a giant monkey should be taken very seriously and every single shot should go on forever just to catch the perfect mood, then it should go on a little longer, and longer still.
The second act is the only semi-interesting part of this movie, and it still goes on way, way too long. There are all kinds of dinosaurs and monsters, which bored the hell out of me. How do you make dinosaurs boring, you ask. I'll tell you how: You take away their weight, so it is really obvious the humans are interacting with a blue screen and not a real animal. There is a stampede scene where dinosaurs are flipping and piling on top of each other and rolling over humans who just run in between them and somehow don't get crushed. Ridiculous. At least this scene was drawn out to fifteen minutes, because it really needed all that time to develop. There is a scene where Kong fights three t-rex's, which had it's cool moments. The problem is this fight drug on far too long (big shock, there). By the end of the fight I was completely disinterested. It was a feeling of looking up from time to time and saying: "Wow, they're still fighting."
Notice I'm complaining about the action sequences dragging on to the point of tedium. There were more action sequences after this that were even less plausible (a kid who had never fired a machine gun shoots giant bugs off of people from point blank range without ever hitting the people) and equally bloated. If the action scenes bored me, then think about the slower moments. This entire movie felt like the last 40 minutes of "Return of the King", where Frodo and Sam gaze wistfully at each other, and then gaze wistfully at each other, and then gaze wistfully at each other some more, and then gaze... you get the point. Throughout King Kong, I was gazing wistfully at my watch. The intimate scenes between Kong and what's her face (the person from the first hour of the film that was supposed to matter) take FOREVER! Hey, P.J., it's a sunset, it's quiet,I GET IT, LET'S MOVE ON. It's as if every single shot is so important that it has to be given enought time to be properly digested. Each scene carries so much resonance, that it must be given its proper attention and careful consideration. Did I mention this movie is about a GIANT MONKEY?!!
I don't know if anyone will agree with me on this rant, and I'm sure the critics don't. Which takes me to the question at hand: How is it that Peter Jackson is above the rules of editing? The rest of the movie making world tries to tell their stories in under two and a half hours,. Sure, there are exceptions and some movies need to be longer (See: The Godfather II), but should a retelling of King Kong be one of them? Somehow, Peter Jackson has hypnotised critics and audiences into thinking his movies are that important. My mission, through this blog, is to wake people from their trances by shaking them and saying: "Wake up!! This is a three hour long movie about a giant gorilla!! This isn't high art, so quit pretending it is!!!" That goes for you, too, Peter "Wistful Gaze" Jackson. Hire an editor, for Pete's sake.
Okay, I feel better now.
posted by Christopher at 8:53 PM
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